Hollywood Rumours That May Not Be Almost But Not Completely 100% True But They're True Enough For Me

Vol. 1: Stevie's Ass-sistant

Stevie Nicks is known for her sexy voice. It's sultry, it's raspy and it pretty much made that super '70s group known as Fleetwood Mac. But what's not as well known is during their heyday Stevie and that other chick and those two dudes used to get totally polluted. It was pre-AIDS, man. The world was their oyster. Their schedule was pretty much as follows: do a a lot of cocaine, get it on with each other, more coke, get it on some more and then follow it all up with a little more coke.

Everybody would pass out finally of exhaustion because some dumb ass roadie forgot to get enough amyl nitrate to see them through to the other side.

Typical.

But for all the doing it and regrets and fights and speed balls and red and itchy members and salves and lubricants, one of the group stood out head and shoulders above the rest for their cocaine enthusiasm.

You guessed it, it was Stevie.

She loved the stuff.

Really.

Finally, one day she had to see the doctor about all these nosebleeds she'd been getting. Also she was trying to score some kind of heavy tranquilizers but right then her nose totally starting bleeding like crazy. The doctor was like, "Something is wrong with your nose, bitch. Let's have a look."

What he saw was a nasal cavity Holocaust.

Stevie had done so much cocaine her nose was about to fall off her face. Literally. In fact the doctor said, "If you keep riding the white horse your fucking nose will fall off your face. But here's some tranquilizers anyway to help you break the habit."

Stevie tried to argue. She made all the valid points but the doctor wasn't having any of her bullshit.

"I told you," the doctor said. "You keep sniffin' and your nose will be polishing your shoes. Now get the fuck out."

So Stevie went on home, kinda bummed out.

She was at a crossroads.

On the one hand she loved coke and didn't want to quit. On the other she didn't want her face to look like a foot.

But being the artistic genius she was she made a compromise.

Stevie called in her assistant. The chick came in and Stevie gave her a straw and a ton of coke. The assistant must've at first thought, "Sweet! What a great Christmas bonus!"

But sadly for the assistant it was July. This wasn't a bonus at all but Stevie's compromise. Stevie pulled down her bloomers and said, "Now blow it up my ass."

Stevie sure had a keen eye for human physiology. The membrane in your ass is the same as the one in your nose. Both absorb cocaine wonderfully.

So the assistant took the straw and blew the coke up Stevie's ass.

Thereby giving a literal meaning to the job title Ass-sistant.

Why I Hate the Virginia Game Warden Trainees Who Go to My Gym

They are douche bags.

Every January they have some kind of training that requires them all to descend on my gym all at once.

Why?

They are new recruits. They have to work out to prepare to pass some physical fitness requirement. They all wear the same outfits (gray t-shirts & sweat pants w/ combat boots) and discuss stuff like water cultures and deer populations and stuff. Their hair is shaved short like they're in the Marines. They speak with country accents.

Not that I object to any of those things. That's fine. I wear my iPod anyway, so who cares.

Problem #1:
Totally unlike Daniel Boone. No coonskin cap, no kick-ass Bowie knife, no leather chaps, no cobra snake for a neck tie, no cabin or musket or necklace made of human tongues or anything. This is a total let down. How can you survive in the wilderness with none of those accouterments? You see a trainee on the dip bar he looks just like me. If I want to see some asshole cheating his way through his dips I can look in the mirror.

Problem #2:
They use all the hot water. I walk into the shower room and they're all standing there like some kind of herd. I like my gym because it's basically empty, basically going out of business, and I always feel like a VIP or one of the last people on the Titanic before it went under. This sausage party shatters that belief. Instead of an empty shower room, I'm in the midst of a bunch of trainees that look a bit like wildebeests (a population they had to study?). One of them is losing hair rapidly as the drains are always clogged with what could pass for a toupee or a medieval merkin. See? This is another deviation from the Daniel Boone type of Game Warden that all these guys really could learn something from. I doubt Daniel Boone ever lost any hair at all. He was too hard core to go bald. But let's say some Indian or Bear or Wildcat ripped out a clump of Daniel Boone's hair. He'd probably eat it or make it into a pair of culottes for some hot squaw down at the tee pee dance that afternoon.

Problem #3:
They steal towels. Specifically my towel. I always leave my towel on the hook to the far left. I walk out of my lukewarm shower and its not there. What is there is two guys discussing evergreen trees one of whom is toweling off with my towel! I look them. They look at me. I look at the empty hook and back to my towel which one trainee (the one losing hair, I think) has wedged in his ass. What is my play here? There's an empty towel all by it's lonesome, hanging from a hook. I pick it up. It's not mine, I know it's not but I pick it up just the same. But what if it has some weirdo hair on it from the guy who is losing his hair? What if he already rubbed it on his ass before he even got in the shower, a little warmer-upper for all the hot water he's gonna steal from me. I'm sopping wet standing there looking at them looking back at me ( a person who certainly doesn't know anything about evergreens what-so-ever). "You gotta problem?" the guy who is on to buffing his ball sack with my towel says. "Nope," I say and step to my gym bag and towel off with my sweaty t-shirt.

Certainly not a Daniel Boone type of move, but I'm not a fucking game warden now am I?

Vocabulary Words That Would Be Good Names for Hip Hop Artists (Along with Definitions and Possible Alternate Spellings)

10. Chiasmus - a reversal of words in two otherwise parrallel phrases (X-azmuss)

9. Phobus - Classical Mythology. a son and attendant of Ares and the personification of a fear held to possess armies and cause their defeat. (Fo-bus)

8. Truncate - to shorten by cutting off a part; cut short (TrunKate: prehaps better for a female rapper, maybe named Kate)

7. Trebuchet - a medieval catapult for hurling heavy stones. (Trebuushit)

6. Defenestrate - to throw out of a window (Deepheniztrait)

5. Fait Accompli - an accomplished fact; a thing already done: (Fate Akomplee)

4. Coup - a highly successful, unexpected stroke, act, or move; a clever action or accomplishment (Koo)

3. Pugnacity - inclined or eager to fight; aggressively hostile; belligerent; pugnacious. (Pugnasty)

2. Diatribe - a bitter, sharply abusive denunciation, attack, or criticism (DieTribe or if your a friend: D-Tribe)

1. Motif - a recurring subject, theme, idea, etc., esp. in a literary, artistic, or musical work. (Mo-Teef. Actual teeth may be optional.)