Hollywood Rumours That May Not Be Almost But Not Completely 100% True But They're True Enough For Me

Vol. 1: Stevie's Ass-sistant

Stevie Nicks is known for her sexy voice. It's sultry, it's raspy and it pretty much made that super '70s group known as Fleetwood Mac. But what's not as well known is during their heyday Stevie and that other chick and those two dudes used to get totally polluted. It was pre-AIDS, man. The world was their oyster. Their schedule was pretty much as follows: do a a lot of cocaine, get it on with each other, more coke, get it on some more and then follow it all up with a little more coke.

Everybody would pass out finally of exhaustion because some dumb ass roadie forgot to get enough amyl nitrate to see them through to the other side.

Typical.

But for all the doing it and regrets and fights and speed balls and red and itchy members and salves and lubricants, one of the group stood out head and shoulders above the rest for their cocaine enthusiasm.

You guessed it, it was Stevie.

She loved the stuff.

Really.

Finally, one day she had to see the doctor about all these nosebleeds she'd been getting. Also she was trying to score some kind of heavy tranquilizers but right then her nose totally starting bleeding like crazy. The doctor was like, "Something is wrong with your nose, bitch. Let's have a look."

What he saw was a nasal cavity Holocaust.

Stevie had done so much cocaine her nose was about to fall off her face. Literally. In fact the doctor said, "If you keep riding the white horse your fucking nose will fall off your face. But here's some tranquilizers anyway to help you break the habit."

Stevie tried to argue. She made all the valid points but the doctor wasn't having any of her bullshit.

"I told you," the doctor said. "You keep sniffin' and your nose will be polishing your shoes. Now get the fuck out."

So Stevie went on home, kinda bummed out.

She was at a crossroads.

On the one hand she loved coke and didn't want to quit. On the other she didn't want her face to look like a foot.

But being the artistic genius she was she made a compromise.

Stevie called in her assistant. The chick came in and Stevie gave her a straw and a ton of coke. The assistant must've at first thought, "Sweet! What a great Christmas bonus!"

But sadly for the assistant it was July. This wasn't a bonus at all but Stevie's compromise. Stevie pulled down her bloomers and said, "Now blow it up my ass."

Stevie sure had a keen eye for human physiology. The membrane in your ass is the same as the one in your nose. Both absorb cocaine wonderfully.

So the assistant took the straw and blew the coke up Stevie's ass.

Thereby giving a literal meaning to the job title Ass-sistant.