They are douche bags.
Every January they have some kind of training that requires them all to descend on my gym all at once.
Why?
They are new recruits. They have to work out to prepare to pass some physical fitness requirement. They all wear the same outfits (gray t-shirts & sweat pants w/ combat boots) and discuss stuff like water cultures and deer populations and stuff. Their hair is shaved short like they're in the Marines. They speak with country accents.
Not that I object to any of those things. That's fine. I wear my iPod anyway, so who cares.
Problem #1:
Totally unlike Daniel Boone. No coonskin cap, no kick-ass Bowie knife, no leather chaps, no cobra snake for a neck tie, no cabin or musket or necklace made of human tongues or anything. This is a total let down. How can you survive in the wilderness with none of those accouterments? You see a trainee on the dip bar he looks just like me. If I want to see some asshole cheating his way through his dips I can look in the mirror.
Problem #2:
They use all the hot water. I walk into the shower room and they're all standing there like some kind of herd. I like my gym because it's basically empty, basically going out of business, and I always feel like a VIP or one of the last people on the Titanic before it went under. This sausage party shatters that belief. Instead of an empty shower room, I'm in the midst of a bunch of trainees that look a bit like wildebeests (a population they had to study?). One of them is losing hair rapidly as the drains are always clogged with what could pass for a toupee or a medieval merkin. See? This is another deviation from the Daniel Boone type of Game Warden that all these guys really could learn something from. I doubt Daniel Boone ever lost any hair at all. He was too hard core to go bald. But let's say some Indian or Bear or Wildcat ripped out a clump of Daniel Boone's hair. He'd probably eat it or make it into a pair of culottes for some hot squaw down at the tee pee dance that afternoon.
Problem #3:
They steal towels. Specifically my towel. I always leave my towel on the hook to the far left. I walk out of my lukewarm shower and its not there. What is there is two guys discussing evergreen trees one of whom is toweling off with my towel! I look them. They look at me. I look at the empty hook and back to my towel which one trainee (the one losing hair, I think) has wedged in his ass. What is my play here? There's an empty towel all by it's lonesome, hanging from a hook. I pick it up. It's not mine, I know it's not but I pick it up just the same. But what if it has some weirdo hair on it from the guy who is losing his hair? What if he already rubbed it on his ass before he even got in the shower, a little warmer-upper for all the hot water he's gonna steal from me. I'm sopping wet standing there looking at them looking back at me ( a person who certainly doesn't know anything about evergreens what-so-ever). "You gotta problem?" the guy who is on to buffing his ball sack with my towel says. "Nope," I say and step to my gym bag and towel off with my sweaty t-shirt.
Certainly not a Daniel Boone type of move, but I'm not a fucking game warden now am I?
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